Joke of the Day

Question: Why didn't the mouse get hurt when it fell into a glass of soda?

Answer: Because it was a soft drink!

Heavy Metal (Mouth), Part 2

I posted Heavy Metal (Mouth) because Girl Doll had her braces removed last week. To celebrate, we had ribs and corn on the cob that night for dinner.

Over the following weekend, she invited a few friends over to go to the movies. Before we went and gorged on popcorn and caramel apples. It was all of the forbidden foods she had gone without for two years - in one big, gluttonous smorgasbord.

Girl Doll will have to wear retainers, but has already mastered 'flipping' them in and out with her tongue. It's a combination of charming and gross, but she is clearly pleased...and has a gorgeous smile.

Heavy Metal (Mouth)

In junior high, I watched most of my friends get braces. I saw the whole process through from beginning to end - head gear for the unfortunate, rubber bands, and missed classes for tightening appointments.

One by one, the time passed and my friends emerged from the experience with big smiles and straight teeth. Sure, there were retainers to be worn after - but that was all part of the fun, right? I was green with envy; my teeth were so crooked that one tooth was completely eclipsed by my magnificent, chiclet-sized front teeth. Braces had never been a consideration since we never could have afforded them.

I have always been self-conscious about my teeth. I covered my mouth with my hand when I laughed, and most photos taken were of me with a close-lipped smile on my face. One of the most embarrassing moments that I've had as an adult was during Halloween, when a co-worker thought I was wearing fake teeth as part of my witch costume. I will never forget the look on her face when she realized her mistake - but I can tell you with certainty that I felt worse than she did. There's just no taking something like that back.

So, I got braces as an adult. At 25-years old, I endured rubber bands, missed work for tightening appointments, and even head gear - although my orthodontist said I was fortunate because I would only have to wear it at night. My thought was, "Fortunate? For whom?" Because I can tell you that all romance grinds to a halt walking into the bedroom with that thing on my face. It's just so not sexy.

And although it felt like time stood still, eventually came the final appointment where I had them removed. Running my tongue across my teeth was one of the best feelings ever, and the nicest thing I've done for my self esteem.

To celebrate the occasion, we had friends over for dinner. The menu? Ribs, corn on the cob, and caramel apples for dessert.

Potty Mouth

"I don't consider shit to be a cuss word."

Jared, Age 11

Moment of Truth

When I was in first grade, my mom told me that the teacher made me sit in the corner and wear a dunce cap during math. I actually have no memory of this - the only thing I remember about my first grade teacher was that she had black hair. I have heard this story often, and my mom tells me that this is the origin of my 'math fear'.

This is such a cruel and horrible story that part of me simply doesn't believe it. I mean, what kind of person would do that to a child? My mom is also prone to exaggeration; I have stood beside her during conversations, and she will come away with a completely different experience and outcome - sometimes adding parts that didn't occur.

During this last school year, Girl attended a Saturday workshop for a social studies project. The teachers that were there were introduced, and one of them had the same name as my first grade teacher. I thought, "This couldn't be the same teacher, could it?"

I decided to approach her; she was a woman in her late 50's or early 60's with black hair. So I asked her, "I heard your name, and was wondering if you ever taught at _____ Elementary School?"

She replied, "Yes! That was my first year teaching..."

So, here is where I wonder whether this is my moment of truth: Do I lay into this woman for an experience that I don't remember having? Anyone who knows me also knows that I hate conflict or confrontation. I'm all about rainbows and butterflies. I am a total lightweight that would rather move than deal with an uncomfortable situation.

In the end, it occurred to me that it wasn't my moment of truth - it was my mom's. And I can say with confidence that had my mother been there, you would have seen some old ladies brawlin'.

The Penfifteen Club

Boy's drum teacher recently gave me a CD of his band, The Penfifteen Club. I played the CD for Boy and Girl today in the car on our way home from school, and we all like it pretty well.

But studying the liner notes and looking at the pictures of the band - I was amazed at how different the drum teacher looks! Girl asked me if he was wearing make-up, and I said that was how it looked to me. Maybe just eyeliner?

Girl replies, "No, Mom. You mean guyliner..."

First Day of School

Today is Girl Doll's first day of junior high. What a big deal that was for me! She is nervous and very excited, and when I dropped her off she went to the big rock to wait for her friend.

We spent last night getting ready: picked up a few last minute things for school, organized her supplies, washed and put out The Outfit. While she wasn't looking I tucked in a note and some Twizzlers into her backpack.

I love you so very much, Beauty. I can't wait to hear about your day!