Creeper

Last month, I went into Lululemon to find a small Christmas gift for my niece. She is crazy for their clothes, and I thought maybe I could find something modestly priced for her. You know, like a little top or cute sports bra.

Um, NO. I had few choices if I was going to spend less than $25, and I didn't really want to buy her a headband. 

A young saleswoman approached me and after hearing my dilemma, she gently caught my arm (?!) and excitedly pulled me toward the center of the store, "Does your niece wear our underwear? Seriously. It's ALL I wear. It's like wearing nothing!!" She went on raving about 'no visible panty lines' and how her favorite was the lightweight thong.

*cough*

HAWKWARD. I'm hardly a prude, but holy hell. When did I get so old?? I made every effort to train my eyes on her face and tried not to involuntarily look down at her crotch. 

That underwear might have felt like wearing nothing, but at $18 apiece they were worth their weight in gold. Despite my budget, I found myself grabbing four pair almost reflexively. I was thinking I could buy two for my niece, and give the other two pair (or is that pairs?) to my daughter. 

Seriously? I can't even believe that I am
actually blogging about underwear.

Once home and out from under the mind control of Perky Underwear Clerk, I reviewed my purchases. As wonderful as my niece is, I could not bring myself to send her $40 worth of panties. I still had my two nephews to shop for, plus mail their gifts across the country. Since the panties were nonreturnable, I decided the only thing to do was to keep the second pair for myself. Obviously.

After carefully wrapping her thong underwear gift, I included a small card on the package:

Dear Bridey,

I hope you don't think I'm

a creeper for buying you these. 

I hear they are really nice. 

Enjoy! Love, Auntie Babydoll

Apparently she read the card aloud on Christmas morning and my nephew perked up when he heard the "creeper" Minecraft reference. He asked if maybe the gift had been mislabeled and was possibly for him. (No. Nice try, mister.) It turns out that my niece didn't think I was a creeper at all. My daughter loved hers as well. 

And me? All the hype is completely accurate. The underwear is the lightest and most comfortable I have ever worn. In fact, they are so comfortable that I have a small dilemma: Do I wear them first, or do I wait until I've worn my other pairs first and save the Lulus for last? Wearing nice underwear just sets the tone for a good day. I'm sure there is science somewhere that that proves my theory. 

Actually, there is: Jenna Marble's underwear horoscope. With nothing other than her panty clairvoyance, Jenna predicts how your day will be solely based on the underwear you put on that morning. Warning: This link is NSFW (Not Suitable For Work). And truthfully, my underwear drawer is a sad state of affairs. I recently pulled on a pair of cotton panties...except my fingers poked a hole through the fabric, right under the elastic. To quote Jenna, "What did your vagina do to deserve this abuse?!"  

Clearly, the only thing to do is to buy one or two pair (or is that pairs?) a month until I have a little cache of my very own.